Struggles AND Thanksgiving

Here is a picture to show I'm happy  :)

So things haven’t been easy the past few weeks…I haven’t written much because I’ve been so busy and the internet is always playing hard to find.  I wasn’t sure if I should write about some of the less fun parts of being here, but I thought I could at least explain some of the things that I’m dealing with.  But it’s also nearly Thanksgiving, so I’ll talk about what I’m thankful for too.  :)  And I'm feeling positive as I'm writing this, so don't think I'm over here on the island moping.

 Right now I’m only teaching reading and spelling (and music, but that’s just singing or whatever I want to do with it) because the coach took over my history classes so I could focus more on ESL students.  Working one-on-one with kids and trying to teach them English is kind of fun, although I’m still trying to figure out what I’m doing.  But teaching in the classroom…that doesn’t come naturally for me.  And how do you motivate 7^th-graders in reading class when they’re hot, bored, and have a dozen other things on their minds?  Some don’t turn in their work, and it’s really frustrating to see them goofing off instead of doing their assignments.  I’m not the most motivational person, and I don’t really have the energy to push and challenge them very well.  I feel like I’m trying to lift a barrel of monkeys with my little finger sometimes.  A barrel of talking, laughing, rubber-band shooting, wrestling, ukulele-playing kids who will be going on to high school in a couple of years.  I want them to succeed.  How do I get them to focus?

And then I got sick.  I had a cough that was lasting for a couple of weeks, but then I got worse and ended up going to the local clinic only to find out I had a 102.3 fever, sinus infection, ear infection, and bronchitis leading to pneumonia.  That was interesting…I’m a lot better now, but had to take a lot of antibiotics and stuff.

Being here has also raised a lot of questions in my mind.  For example, I’m trying to figure out how I feel about teaching.  I was trying to get used to it and try it out at Southern, but acting as an official teacher in the classroom, doing all the grading, carrying the full load of trying to control and motivate students, doing parent-teacher conferences…I’m at the point right now where I think that I don’t mind teachING in general, but I don’t really want to become a full-time teachER.  And it’s a big relief to finally admit it, because I was never really comfortable with the whole idea.  But what does that mean?  What do I do with this knowledge?  Where do I go from there?  I don’t really know, so I’ll be praying about it.

And I don’t understand myself sometimes.  I don’t understand why is it so hard for me to be confident and to be firm with students.  Or why I get stressed about little things.  Or why I find it so hard to talk about what I am feeling or thinking, and to reach out to people (I’m really noticing this a lot here, surrounded by so many new people).  I started reading Job 9 when I’m studying the Sabbath School lesson, and found myself bursting into tears because he’s saying exactly what I feel but don’t want to admit.  I guess I bottle things up too much.  Everything seems fine on the outside most of the time, but then I’ll cry and people wonder why…maybe it’s because I hate to talk about things, so I try to tough it out and tell myself everything is fine…and it’s not.  I want everything to be okay inside and outside, but as hard as I try to be okay, sometimes things just aren’t okay.  Maybe that’s the biggest thing I’m learning from Job.  I’m glad his book is in the Bible, because it’s actually really helpful sometimes—even those long repetitive parts that go on and on about how miserable everything is.

Maybe sometimes it’s okay to not be okay.  I know God will take care of things, but sometimes it’s hard to see past the issues that are in the way.  And there aren’t always clear-cut answers to everything.  The most important thing is that God is still God, and He’ll work things out for good.  Don’t pretend everything is always fine, but don’t get discouraged and abandon ship either.  Question and wrestle with issues, but don’t be stubborn or give up.

Mesulang means "Thank you very much" in Palauan

ANYWAY, enough with the problems and struggles.  I wanted to talk about what I’m thankful for too, so let’s move on to that.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God” (Philippians 4:6)

I’m really thankful for the nice people here in Palau.  My Palauan “mom” (the Palauan queen, Bilung) sent a bunch of food for me and her other “children” among the SMs.  Chicken, bread, stuffing, gravy and pumpkin pies.  She’s always doing nice things for us even though she’s busy.

I’m thankful for the amazing things I get to see on this island.  We went to the Rock Islands on Sunday and saw a bunch of tropical fish and a giant (6-feet wingspan is my estimate) stingray that was trying very hard to hide under the sand.  That was so cool!  And we got to picnic on a little island with palm trees and white sand.  People pay tons of money to come to these places and experience these things, but we get to do it for free (although we have to work hard the rest of the time).  

“We give thanks to You, O God, we give thanks!  For Your wondrous works declare that Your name is near” (Psalms 75:1)

Plus there are geckos and fruit bats.  And I saw another rainbow on Wednesday, and the flowers bloom all year long…(I miss the weather in New England though, so don’t be too jealous)

I’m thankful for the other student missionaries here.  They’re a nice bunch, and I think we get along really well.  Everyone is so nice and supportive, and we get to do a lot of fun things together.  I never knew there were really people like this outside of storybooks…funny, quirky, adventurous, caring, capable, creative…good friends make the tough days more bearable.

I’m thankful that we got a two-day Thanksgiving break.  We get to relax and enjoy time with each other and the Surangel family (who have kindly invited us to their home for the holiday).

I’m thankful that I’m not sick any more.  The cough is nearly gone and I don’t feel like I’m fighting malaise now.

 

I’m thankful that we have air conditioning (or “air-con” as they call it here).  It’s nice to come back and just “chill” after a hot day at school.

I’m thankful for the good food we have…I can get most of the things I like at home, plus fresh fruit like papayas and soursop, and also fresh coconuts.  I miss berries, but hey, it’s a tropical island…

I’m thankful I can use the internet to keep in touch with family at home.  The internet might be fitful, but at least it makes the connection possible.

I’m thankful for my students.  They’re a handful, but they’re teaching me so much, and I’m glad to have each one of them.  They’ve become “my” kids, and I guess it will be hard to say goodbye.  (That’s where the internet comes in again…they’ve already tried to friend me on Facebook, and I have to tell them it’s the rule to wait until we leave before accepting requests).  They’re such characters, and I love them even when they're complaining.

And I’m thankful for all the ways God has shown me that He really does care, that His promises really are for me, and that there is hope in the future and that He’ll be guiding me.  I don’t understand everything yet, but like Job, I can just be satisfied with knowing that God is in control and that I can trust Him even when things aren’t going right.

“In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

I miss being at home with my family for Thanksgiving—the cool air, the wood fires, being with familiar things and people, making food together, keeping traditions…but it’s also fun to experience something new.  Thanksgiving on a little tropical island in the South Pacific, with a colorful crew of college students who are also missionaries, plus the Sanchezes and Surangels.  A few years ago I never would have predicted it…

Anyway, I hope everyone back home has a great holiday.  We really do have a lot to be thankful for, and sometimes it takes a few thorns to make you appreciate the roses more.  Happy Thanksgiving!

 

"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits: who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from destruction, who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies, who satisfies your mouth with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's" (Psalms 103:2-5)

Thank you Southern people for the package!

 

“Now thanks be to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and through us diffuses the fragrance of His knowledge in every place” (2 Corinthians 2:14)